


Desperate Times

by catmanu



Category: Men's Football RPF
Genre: Affectionate Insults, Birthday, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Smut, Idiots in Love, Insults, Love in the Time of Coronavirus, M/M, Piqué Mebarak Family Funtimes, Polyamory, social distancing, someone's back at it again with their weird Shakira and Geri headcanons, tag yourself I'm someone
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-30
Updated: 2020-03-30
Packaged: 2021-03-01 04:21:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,281
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23399140
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/catmanu/pseuds/catmanu
Summary: Thanks to the unexpected pandemic, Geri can't celebrate Sergio's birthday with him in person as he'd planned.What's the best gift to get Sergio Ramos?
Relationships: Gerard Piqué/Sergio Ramos, Gerard Piqué/Shakira
Comments: 10
Kudos: 42





	Desperate Times

**Author's Note:**

> Happy 34th, Sergio! ;)

Geri has something to tell Sergio, and it can’t even wait long enough for them to finish unloading the car after their doomsday prep grocery run.Luckily Sergio doesn’t screen his call, because Geri wants to deliver this message as in-person as is possible in March 2020.

“Hello?”

Geri turns his head to make sure Milan and Sasha have gone into the house.All clear.“Sergio, you’re a fucking asshole,” he says.

“You interrupted the Ramos Family Tie-Dye Session to tell me that?”

“Sorry, is something more important than me telling you what I think of you?”

Sergio sighs.“I _shoul_ d hang up on you.What the fffff…”Geri guesses Sergio hadn’t stepped too far away from the Ramos Family Tie-Dye Session to take this call.“What did I do now?”

“You had to have your birthday during a fucking _pandemic_ ,” Geri whines, wrestling a very American-style “family value pack” of toilet paper out of the back of the car.“My plan was to meet you for your birthday, like you did for mine, and split you in half so hard you’d need _two_ birthday cakes.But instead, here I am.Quarantined.”

“It’s called _social distancing_ , it’s only quarantine if you’re actually sick.Which you are, Geri.Sick in the goddamn head.”

Geri rolls his eyes and slams the trunk shut.“Really original.”

“Yeah, and really deserved.What you just said was crazy.It’s not like I’m choosing to host a birthday party during a pandemic, or something. I happen to have been _born_ on March 30th.It’s just badly-timed.” 

“Still.Ruins my whole plan.Now I have to do something for your birthday that doesn’t involve my dick.”

“Hey, guess what.News flash, Piqué. The whole world doesn’t revolve around what your dick wants.”

“Well, when I’m president of Bar—”

Geri hears Pilar yell something muffled in the background, and Sergio interrupts him.“Look, did you have something important to talk about?” he says.“Because if not, everyone’s waiting for me to get back.The coolest looking shirt will get a prize, I bet it’s going to be Sergio Junior.”

“Everything I have to say to you is important,” Geri groans.“But fine.Fine, go do your wholesome family fun.I just wanted you to know that I—“

He stops and drums his fingers on the car.He’s feeling a little uncomfortable.

“That you…?”

 _That I’m actually disappointed about missing your fucking birthday._ “Nothing.”

*

“Hey, guys.What should I do for Sergio Ramos’s birthday?” Geri asks over breakfast the next day.“No—Milan, you can’t steal Sasha’s pancakes.”

“But I’m hungry!”

Geri stabs his fork into the stolen pancakes and hands them back to Sasha, who shakes his head.“’I’m full.”

“So can I have them, Dad?”

Geri sighs and hands the pancakes back to Milan.“You just ruined the whole point I was trying to make, Sasha.He shouldn’t steal your—”

“But I’m _full_.”

“Can we talk about Sergio Ramos again, Dad?” Milan says through his mouthful of pancakes.There’s no one Geri loves more than his family, but these next few weeks of being trapped indoors together are going to be….a lot.This would be _the perfect_ time to travel to Madrid and release some tension by slapping Sergio around a little before—

“Dad?”

“Oh, I’m sure your dad would love to talk about Sergio Ramos,” Shak says, breezing through the kitchen on her way to video chat with her trainer in their gym. _Fuck,_ they’re living in weird times right now.She snatches Milan’s extra pancakes as she walks by and sticks one in her mouth.“I heard these were stolen from your brother?”

Milan looks like he’s going to have a meltdown. _Same, kiddo, same._ “Sergio,” Geri says, quickly.“It’s his birthday soon, and I want your advice.What should I get him?”

“A Switch,” Sasha advises.

“Hmmm.”

“You could make him a card,” Milan says.“And you could write a lot of stuff on it because you like to talk to him a lot.If we made it really big.”

“Yeah, you could write a _zillion_ words.You could write _infinity_ words.”

“Those aren’t _real_ numbers, Sasha…Are they, Dad?”

Geri closes his eyes for a moment.He likes the idea of saying _infinity_ words to Sergio.In person.With his hand wrapped tight around Sergio’s throat so Sergio can say _zero_ words back.

“Infinity is real, sort of…it’s more like an _idea_.Let’s talk more about this at lunch,” he continues, seeing Milan’s confused face.“I bet Mom will have things she wants to add.How about we do the birthday card idea, okay?Will you guys help me make it?"

*

He texts Sergio later. _What do you want for your birthday, Ramos?_

Sergio must be more bored than his happy-family-time Instagram posts are making him appear.He writes back instantly. _My dick up your pale pancake ass Piqué._

_Fuck you Sergio!FUCK!!!YOU!!!_

Sergio takes this moment while Geri’s indisposed, seeing in about twenty different shades of red at once as he is, to send at least a zillion, maybe even infinity, laugh-cry emojis.And then, _But that’s actually what I want. Just that your ass is nicer than I just made it sound._

_You’ve lost access to that privilege entirely._

_Please?_

Sergio sends a photo of his lips—just his lips—curling into a pout.Fuck, he really does have such nice lips.

_No!Anyway I thought your birthday wasn’t supposed to be about dicks this year._

_About /your/ dick._ Sergio sends a wink. _Now we’re talking about mine._

Geri looks around.Even though his poor, innocent ass just been insulted by Sergio Ramos for no reason at all, he doesn't think he’d mind continuing to talk about Sergio’s dick right now.Everyone in his house is otherwise occupied, so he shuts the door and sends Sergio a photo of his hand creeping under his shorts.

_Are we?Well, let’s continue._

_Sorry Geri is that supposed to be a bulge picture?I don’t have a magnifying glass with me._

Geri smirks.If he just takes a few moments to close his eyes and imagine how he’d celebrate Sergio’s birthday if the Spanish government would only let him—

_Uh okay I guess I don’t need a magnifying glass anymore.I can see it just fine now._

_I figured as much.So do you have a few minutes, Sergio?Want to keep talking about your dick?And your birthday?_

Sergio sends a photo in response, and well, there's no magnifying glass needed for this one either.

So the next part of the afternoon passes by very fucking nicely.But it doesn’t get Geri any closer to solving the problem.

*

“Ugh!” Geri groans, looking at his phone.The reminder has been going off all day, and it’s still there on his lockscreen, laughing at him. _Get Sergio a present_.He still has no idea what to do.

“Are you alright, querido?” Shak calls from their bathroom.“That didn’t sound like a happy sound.”

“It wasn’t.It was a _pissed off_ sound.”He flings his phone back onto the table and buries his head under his pillow.It shouldn’t be this hard to get Sergio material goods for his birthday.The guy has a house full of weird, tacky bullshit and a closet that’s not too different; he’s a conspicuous consumer of the highest order, and he should be easy to shop for.

Geri feels like he really shouldn’t care though—so what if he didn’t do anything to commemorate Sergio fucking Ramos being born? _I don’t owe him anything.I’m not his boyfriend._

“Don’t sulk, you’re a big boy.”Shak shuts off the bathroom light and bounces into bed.He turns and watches as she pulls one of his old commemorative tshirts from some Barça charity event or another over her head and shakes her curls free.Having kids who are old enough to be free-range and potentially wander in in the dead of night has forced them to make some changes to their sleeping habits.But the sight of Shak in any kind of Barça memorabilia is a fine one, just like how blaugrana would look much better on Sergio than _white_ does.She slips her hand under the pillow and scratches his head.“What’s the problem, hmmmm?You were in a _very nice_ mood ten minutes ago.”

“Yeah, I can’t really enjoy the whole postcoital bliss thing when I still haven’t gotten Sergio a birthday present.”

“Oh, that’s all this is?You should have told me sooner.”Shak is as enthusiastic as he _isn’t._ “Should we make him a video?”

Geri flings his pillow to the side so he can look right at her.“Fuck, Shaki…I usually love your _enthusiasm_ but…Could you stay out of it this one time?I want this to be…”He realizes he’s about to get in trouble if he keeps talking, but when has that ever stopped him before?“From me.He and I go way back, you know?I want to honor that.”He doesn’t think he’s ever articulated anything this poorly in his life.“You know.I may hate him, but I’m still his old friend.”

Shak whacks him with a pillow and she’s only half-joking when she speaks next.“I am the _very nice girlfriend_ who is perfectly willing to let you go out of our long-term relationship to fuck someone else.I don’t make you feel like a bad person for wanting it, and I don’t even believe that it means you want me less.You have it good.So…I’d say I have every right to be involved in as much of it as I want, no?”

And she hits him again.“If you’re going to sulk about Sergio’s birthday present you can sleep somewhere else.This kind of energy ruins my sleep.”She turns out the light and rolls as far away from him as is possible. 

Geri buries his head back under his pillow and sighs.He loves to look a challenge in the face and kick its ass, but this one is making his head hurt.Whether it’s not wanting to share Shakira or not wanting to share Sergio or something else entirely is not something he’s going to bother exploring right now.Or, hopefully ever.

“No, you’re right,” he says into the darkness.“I was being a little bitch just now, right?I’m sorry about that.”

A pause. Then, “So was I.”

Typical.They meet in the center of the bed.

“We can do both,” Geri says.“I’ll…come up with a present for him.And we can make him a video.”

“Short but sweet,” Shak says. 

“Emphasis on _sweet_.Let’s make him suffer a little on his birthday.”

“Love it.Any ideas?”

“You know, for once I don’t have any ideas,” Geri whispers, tugging at the collar of Shak’s shirt.“Why don’t we brainstorm _now_?”

So he definitely won’t be sulking anymore tonight, that’s for sure.But he still doesn’t know what to do for Sergio.God, why can’t _anything_ with Sergio just be easy? _Fuck_ him.

*

“You guys slept late,” Milan accuses.“We already had breakfast.”

“I know, my darlings,” Shak apologizes.“We were up late talking about Sergio’s birthday.”

The tips of Geri’s ears turn red as he looks through the fridge to see if there’s any leftover protein shake stored away in there.He feels too lazy to make a fresh one and their chef is taking his much-deserved morning break.She’s not entirely wrong.They’d wound up making Sergio his _birthday video_ at four in the morning, and it involved some of the pieces of net he’d cut from the goal after round 2 of the Copa del Rey semifinal last February—and, well, he’s not going to think about the rest of it while their kids are in the room.But if Sergio doesn’t enjoy it when he gets it on the 30th, there’s something _seriously_ wrong with him.

“Sergio is boring,” Sasha complains.“Everyone here just wants to talk about Sergio.”

“I agree with Sasha,” Geri says, triumphant upon finding the leftover shake.“He is boring.”

“ _Spare_ us, mi amor,” Shak says.She scoops Sasha up off his chair.“Come on, love, you and I have some homework to do.”

“’What have you been up to while your mom and dad were irresponsibly sleeping till eleven?” Geri asks, sitting down next to Milan.“Wait…don’t tell me.I see you have your colored pencils out.Let me guess.”

It’s a stupid thing, but Geri always smiles when Milan does art because his red and blue markers dry up the fastest, his red and blue colored pencils get worn down the fastest….Milan’s a Barça kid through and through, just like he is.

Milan doesn’t let him guess.“It’s our birthday card for Sergio,” he explains, and he unfolds a piece of paper to show Geri.Geri takes a look at it and bursts out laughing. 

Milan has drawn him and Sergio standing next to a huge, crooked cake.He’s taller, Sergio has his long hair, and they’re holding hands (he’ll have to ask Milan about _that_ part later), but what’s getting him is that he’s drawn both him _and_ Sergio in Barça jerseys.Fuck, is Milan his son or what?This is the funniest shit he’s ever seen. 

Geri is laughing so hard he can barely talk.“You gave him a…Amazing.Whose number is on the back?”

Milan grins.“I don’t know.Maybe yours?”

“Then whose am I wearing?”

“ _Also_ yours.”

And then Geri knows what to do for Sergio’s birthday.

It’s something he doesn’t _want_ to do.In fact, the idea disgusts him a little.

But Sergio’s going to love it.So, well, he kind of does want to do it.A little.

*

It’s finally the 30th and Geri can’t remember how long they’ve been stuck inside.The plot of The Shining is starting to feel a little too realistic.His whole body hurts from all his _energy._ He can only run so many kilometers on his treadmill before his brain reminds him it’s not the same as bounding up and down the pitch at Tito Vilanova.It should be a crime to keep legs like the ones he’s got quarantined.Or socially distanced. Whatever the fuck the term is.But at least today is a little different from all the ones that have come before it.

At exactly midnight Shak had sent Sergio their video.He’d responded with a bunch of expletives, and then some more, and then some more.Neither of them has acknowledged his very articulate messages.They’re giving him some time to recover. 

It seems that part of his recovery involves reposting everyone’s Happy Birthday Sergio! Instagram stories. _No one’s going to catch me wishing him a happy fucking birthday_ , Geri thinks as he walks into Shak’s closet holding The Package.His personal message to Sergio will be much better than any of those.

The Package, as he thinks of it, has been sitting in their front hallway for quite a few days.He’d ordered it the same day he’d seen Milan’s birthday card for Sergio. He hasn’t really wanted to touch it, but he can’t put it off any longer.He shuts the closet door and takes a quick look at all her mirrors.He’ll be able to get plenty of good angles for photos in here. It’s time to go.

He tries to pull the packaging apart, but it’s stubborn, so he has to use his teeth.He wishes he were sinking his teeth into Sergio’s shoulders or thighs or the curve of his ass or _any_ part of him, but instead, he makes an opening in the package and his heart sinks upon seeing something white in there.

Ugh.Well, he’s tough, right?Tough and intimidating and he doesn’t take shit from anyone, especially not a fucking Real Madrid 19-20 season home jersey with Sergio’s name on it.Nothing bad will happen to him when he puts it on—well—nothing other than looking slightly unattractive in this godawful _white_. 

He turns and looks at himself in the mirror and feels an inexplicable little thrill upon seeing the SERGIO RAMOS 4 written in gold on his back.Sergio’s going to love this. The thought of that is getting him a little excited, if he's being honest with himself. 

He gets a bunch of shots of himself in Sergio's jersey—from the front, the back, the side, some taken from above looking down on his cock arcing up from underneath all the ugly white—and by the time it's all over he's so hard it's tough to breathe. He texts Sergio asking if he has a private moment for the second half of his birthday present.

_I haven't recovered from the first half Geri fuck you._

_My apologies._ Geri bites his lip. He's never going to be able to _un_ do what he's about to do. He sends Sergio some of the best photos, and he waits.

And waits.

His phone rings.

"Oh my god," Sergio pants. "Oh my god. Holy shit. Oh my—"

"I’m going to burn it after this, so don’t get too excited," Geri says.

It's as if he hadn't said a damn word. "This is so much better than sex, Geri, holy shit. You're wearing my jersey? Fuck."

"Is it really better than sex?" Geri isn't sure whether to be insulted or not.

"Well, yeah. We can fuck any day—"

"No we can't, I'm not that fucking easy."

"Yeah, sure, Geri. What I'm saying is, this is not something I ever thought I'd see. Wow."

Geri can't stand that he has to feel like this about someone who plays for Real Madrid--not just plays for the team, but _loves_ it as much as he does. He doesn't ever want to go near a piece of Real memorabilia ever again, but Sergio's reaction is making him feel warm and happy and the exact opposite of _distanced._

Shit.

"Well...save the pictures and back them up somewhere, then, cause like I said, I'm burning this jersey."

"No you're not," Sergio says.

 _Okay, maybe I'm not_. Geri thinks about Shak wearing his old shirts to bed in the name of decency, and wonders for a moment what it would be like to wear Sergio's shirt to bed. He decides he'd rather be quarantined for the rest of the season and well into the next one before he ever thinks anything like that ever again.

"Hey, Geri, later on, would you like me to send you a reaction video?"

"A reaction to what?"

"To your photos," Sergio says. "Would you like to...see how I feel when I see you wearing that? What I want to do?"

"Fuck, yes," Geri says. "But I don't want to see what you _want_ to do. I want to see you actually _do_ it."

"I can make that happen."

"You better," Geri grumbles, and with sincerity, he adds, "Happy birthday, Sergio."

"Thanks," Sergio says. "Oh, and...one more thing before I go."

"Yes?"

Sergio starts laughing and Geri knows he does _not_ want to hear whatever he's about to say. "For years I've been wondering why you like to take home parts of the net after every game you win," he chokes out, and Geri feels slightly murderous. "I had no idea it's because you like getting _tied up_ with them. Holy _shit._ Thanks for the video... _tío!_ "

And he hangs up.

Geri wonders if giving Sergio the complete ass-kicking that he deserves counts as a legitimate excuse to break the quarantine.

**Author's Note:**

> Did Geri actually go on a toilet paper hoarding run? Who knows? But it's more fun that way ;)
> 
> Kudos and comments would make my day!
> 
> Come talk to me on [insta](https://www.instagram.com/griziwave) or [tumblr!](http://theboywiththedejantattoo.tumblr.com)


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